War games don’t make players ‘Army Strong,’ only weak in the wrists

    Lately I’ve been noticing an influx of army commercials insinuate the idea military fighting is exactly like playing Halo on Xbox Live. I can’t get over what a huge mistake this ad-campaign is. Sure, I guess people who spend hours upon hours playing games online are more likely to have the military as a viable option for a future career, but I don’t think they’d make great soldiers in the slightest.

    First of all, I’m a huge nerd when it comes to video games. I’ve been gaming since I was about five and, even before that, I spent a good amount of my infancy observing my big sister play in order to prepare myself for what was to come. But would I really make a soldier in real life? No way.

      You see, first person shooters always fail in teaching the player to care about what they’re actually doing. In these types of games I could be a malevolent terrorist, a patriotic war hero or a sadistic serial killer because, in the end, all I’m interested in is blowing stuff up and winning. Not that winning isn’t a top priority in war, but most gamers don’t really know where to draw the line.

For example, when I play games like Call of Duty and start to lose, I immediately start wondering how I got matched on a team with Helen Keller. Whenever someone I’m supposed to protect gets shot and killed, I blame him for being dumb enough to get in the way of the bullet. I’m not loyal to my side at all and, when things get real bad, I just leave and find a different game with a better team. Hell, maybe I’ll even start shooting my own teammates out of frustration if friendly fire is enabled. Wouldn’t this type of behavior be frowned upon in the army?

     However, it’s not just shooters who suffer from a lack of immersion. Even the famous Mario series couldn’t get it right. After risking my neck to save Princess Peach in Mario 64, she has the nerve to give me a kiss on the cheek and a cake as a reward. She’s a  princess who baked me a cake for saving her? If that’s all I’m getting, why didn’t I just help Bowser? At least I might’ve gotten some cash and maybe a high ranking spot in his kingdom. He is a King, after all. What exactly did Bowser even do to become a bad guy?
     

For an evil tyrant, he seems to have a lot more supporters on his side than Princess Peach. All she has for an army is two uneducated and drug-addicted Italian plumbers. Bowser has thousands of turtles that are perfectly willing to do his bidding without question, yet he’s still always in some kind of power struggle with that stupid Princess. With that said, isn’t Peach the real bad guy in the story? She’s trying to overthrow a king even though it’s quite obvious he would win any given democratic election.

She even goes so far as to hire Mario to systematically wipe out all eight of his children in Mario 3. Bowser is the real victim, but we don’t realize it because only the people who play these games actually care. Gamers just want to see how many turtles they can beat to death with their own shells. Nobody really stops to examine the complexities and politics of these fictional governments to make sure they’re doing the right thing. The poor characters like King Bowser ultimately end up suffering because of it.

       Anyway, if the military is going to insist on aiming their recruitment ads towards gamers, they should pursue the World of Warcraft player base. “World of Warcrack,” as my mother likes to call it, is a fine example of so much immersion to the point where the player’s real life becomes secondary to gaming. These people are so dedicated to a specific goal that they’re willing to put everything else aside. That’s exactly what the army wants, right?

I’ve even suffered from the addiction myself. I hit rock bottom, quit for a year, relapsed and called it quits again just recently. Will I end up going back? Probably. I’ll tell you why. Just like war, World of Warcraft isn’t really a game. There’s no winning or end and something is always going on even when you’re not there. When you’re not playing, it feels like you’re missing out on something. It’s a feeling very similar to when you’re stuck in your room on Thursday night, working tirelessly to meet your deadline for the Equinox, while everyone else is out partying. Just like real life, there’s always something more you can be doing to improve yourself. This is exactly the kind of mindset a soldier would need.
    

In a way, the military is already a lot like World of Warcraft. They wouldn’t even have to make that many changes. As you progress in the military, you gain access to better weapons and you get some more bling for your uniform just like in World of Warcraft. All the army’s marketing department really needs to do is play this aspect up a bit more. Want Bin Laden caught? Offer a legendary tier ten uniform and weapon set for the individual that manages to nab him. Since it’ll be a huge competition, gamers will sign up and immediately start jumping through hoops to earn these seemingly meaningless prizes. It’s simple psychology; everyone loves showing off the things others can’t get. Victory will never have looked so good and it would keep the recruits loyal to the military’s cause.
      

United States Military, you’re welcome.

Matt Miracle can be contacted at mmiracle@ksc.mailcruiser.com.