Facebook has become the face of everything

As I had a conversation the other day about whether a good friend of mine was dating someone or not, I found myself uttering the words, “Well, if they are dating, it’s not Facebook official.”

Slowly my good sense began to come back to me as I started to wonder why anything has to be “Facebook official” in order for people to accept it as fact. Then suddenly out of nowhere a realization hit me; Facebook isn’t just a social networking site, it’s part of an evil plot for world domination. Now, you’re probably saying to yourselves, “I don’t know Matt, that accusation is a bit extreme.” That thinking simply serves to prove you’ve already been indoctrinated to support Facebook’s cause and don’t know even know it! Until now, that is.

Facebook knows your name, where you work, your interests and activities, your relationship status and even your favorite quotes. If I had to guess, the only other people this well informed about you are your parents, the CIA, and that creepy kid who stares longingly into your eyes at the DC even though you have no clue who he is.

However, Facebook even takes it a step further; they know who all your friends are, possess a collection of photos and videos telling them where you’ve been and what you’ve been up to and they know what events you’re planning to attend. But at least they have no way of knowing what you’re currently doing, right? Wrong, that’s what the status updates are for. Hell, they even get you to type up a small biography about yourself and if that doesn’t scream conspiracy, you most likely can’t even read this column. Trust me, when they decide to strike, which will probably on December 21, 2012, they will find you and it won’t be any more difficult to interpret than an episode of “Blue’s Clues.”

Now, it’s probably starting to occur to you how much shit you’re in at this point and you’re probably frightened. After all, stuff like this usually only happens in movies like “The Matrix,” when some idiot decides to swallow pills because a strange man wearing and a trench coat and sunglasses told him to. Fortunately, there are some precautions you can take if you want to save yourself from this malicious scheme.

First, remove your relationship status and all of your friends; it’s for the better and you don’t want to give them any way to blackmail you when the shit starts to hit the fan. Second, take down all your pictures and replace them with pictures of cute kittens with grammatically incorrect captions. When Facebook starts looking for you they will either assume you’re an insecure fat person or start looking for a cat that can’t spell. Third, under no circumstances should you ever “poke” anyone. That last one isn’t really a precaution, but rather a suggestion for those of you who don’t want your ideas of good humor being compared to that of a three-year-old hitting all the buttons on an elevator; it’s not funny, just annoying.

“But why?” you ask yourselves, “What could Facebook possibly have to gain by taking over the entire world?” Aside from the ability to rewrite history by having absolute control over the flow of information and the authority to separate fact from fiction, everything. Imagine a world where happiness is just another status update. A world where small and innocent children are denied faith in mystical beings such as Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny because they don’t have a Facebook page. This is the world Facebook would have for us and we must do everything in our power to stop them.

At this point, my guess is all of you analytical thinkers that tend to read far too deep into everything are thinking, “Gee Matt, if Facebook is really that bad, why didn’t you just tell us to delete our accounts?” The answer to this is simple; the best way to beat an enemy is by giving them the illusion they are winning until the very last minute. We must use our Facebook pages as little Trojan Horses and right when they think they’ve won, we will strike back and emerge victorious. I know the cost of freedom can be high, but in the words of the great band Lynyrd Skynyrd, “I’m as free as a bird now, and this bird you’ll never change.”

Matt Miracle can be contacted at mmiracle@ksc.mailcruiser.com.