Cosmo keeps readers single, not sexy

For my birthday last year, a couple of my friends thought it would be funny to buy me a year’s subscription to the most commonly used torture device against males, Cosmopolitan.

I just now started receiving the magazines and decided I would, at the very least, give it a chance by leaving all my preconceived notions about Cosmo behind and begin reading it with a clear and open mind. “Who knows,” I thought, “maybe life will be easier once I learn the 50 ways to charm anyone and always get what I want.”

Wrong. For those of you who have had the pleasure of  never reading Cosmo, there are a few things you need to understand. First of all, about 80 percent of the magazine is ads for material things like makeup, jeans, shampoo and the latest Britney Spears fragrance. The other 20 percent of the magazine consists of celebrity gossip and horrible love advice from various individuals who must have bought their Ph. D’s on Craigslist.

However, since I assume my words alone aren’t good enough for most of you, I chose to let Cosmo’s advice speak for itself by trying out some of their tips.

Tip #9 on how to get useful people on your side: “Take a sip of your mocha latte, stare into the eyes of the barista who made it and moan, ‘Oh, yeah... that is sooo good.’”

Good thing Keene has about 50 coffee shops because God knows I’m not stepping foot into Prime Roast ever again. I’m figuring the guy either thought I was being a sarcastic prick or had a very creepy addiction to coffee that would put Lorelai Gilmore to shame.

Anyway, how’s it useful to have a barista on your side anyway? Sure, they can make a good cup of coffee but there are several other people I’d rather have on my side like the Super Mario Bros. or Batman (the Christian Bale Batman, of course). Then again, I suppose it’d be pretty cool to pour hot coffee on someone when they piss you off, but the brew would still have to be prepared ahead of time, so the whole idea is just impractical.

Tip #24 on how to make yourself feel sexy: “Tell the guy running on the treadmill at the gym how impressed you are by his grueling workout.”

Never before have I been so afraid of getting murdered; no, this feeling did not make me feel sexy in the slightest. Perhaps it was because the only man on a treadmill I could find at the gym was clearly 50 pounds overweight and he knew I wasn’t being 100 percent genuine.

Maybe it was just because he  didn’t know how to react to such a compliment. Either way, unless you get off to dreams of being run over by train or playing tackle football against a herd of elephants, I’d avoid this particular tip simply for the risks involved if not carried out in the correct context.

Tip #26 on how to reward your crew for being so good to you: “Tell your big sis she’s a total M.I.L.F.”

What kind of sick, perverse individual would even consider trying this? Apparently me. After informing my older sister she was a total M.I.L.F. over the phone, the call ended abruptly. At first I thought the call must have been dropped, but as if the Lord himself read my mind, my phone began to vibrate, signaling a text from my sister that read, “What you said to me is so wrong on so many levels.”

I quickly informed my sister that my intentions were purely scientific in order to achieve more credibility when I wrote my column, but unfortunately the damage had already been done.

“My execution must’ve been off,” I rationalized to myself. There’s no way Cosmo would intentionally try to hurt my life by intentionally giving me bad advice.” Nevertheless, I decided it was time to throw in the towel and call it quits. Still, what’s truly amazing is, despite the loss of my dignity, heterosexuality and my sister’s respect, I still can’t bring myself to stop reading this magazine.

Typically, I would take the opportunity to compare Cosmo to a train wreck but I don’t think that would quite do the magazine justice.

You see, I think what really makes Cosmo so intriguing is simply knowing there are females around the world  reading every word as if they’re learning a new way of life.
As a man, does that mean I should be pissed? Probably, but getting mad about Cosmo is like getting mad at someone for telling a racist joke; the only reason you get pissed is because there’s a slight bit of truth in it.

However, if there’s one thing I learned from reading Cosmopolitan is that dumb blondes shouldn’t ever be taught to write.

Oh, and Carrie Underwood’s nickname is “Carebear.”

Matt Miracle can be contacted at mmiracle@ksc.mailcruiser.com.